Trapped….

Yesterday I went through a therapy process called brain spotting, which is a new technique to help people deal with trauma. I don’t know a lot about this therapy yet, other than what I went through in my hour session last night. Yet, it was so profound I had to write about my experience:

It was a cool and cloudy day in Auburn Hills Michigan, I walked out of my psychology class knowing that I had achieved my highest grade point ever…a 3.75 for my first semester in college. Excited and ready to tell the world that I was not a failure in school, that I was actually pretty smart.

My friend Brent, suggested we head out to celebrate our great grades and with a little persuasion I was along for the ride, a ride that would change my life forever…..I have always remembered leaving school, following Brent, seeing the Pontiac Silverdome, and heading down Opdyke Rd.. Down the hill, changing lanes and turning on my windshield wipers….then everything disappears….until now.

As I sat in the therapists office, music playing softly in my ears (Bilateral Sound, helps in the healing process), I was asked to look in four different directions, looking at the point of a pen, and choosing the location that created the best feeling.

I started talking about my dad, and how in an Early January Morning he called me in distress. I was on my way to school with a few students and had a big event with the Mayor of Detroit and one of our biggest sponsors. My dad called me, he did not sound good, he was struggling and I asked him if he wanted me to come to him, he being my dad, said no, in his grufff and tough way, then he grumbled and right before the phone hung up I said, “Dad, call 911 if you need help.” That was the last time I spoke to my father, a moment in time that I wish I could go back to…because my father died at some point after that….I am not really sure when.

It was a day later that I went out to his house…there was no answer, so I slide one of his windows open and inside I went. I called my dad…there was no answer….I went up stairs to his bedroom, he was not there either. The bathroom door was closed, so I walked over and tried to open it, but the door hit something….I peaked in and there on the floor lay my father….Eyes open…no motion…..no breathe….A feeling of panic overwhelmed me…….

I felt this pressure in my chest, it became very hard to breathe, and my hands began to shake. I was still in the therapists office, but my mind was elsewhere. The feeling of helplessness growing inside me, panic, fear and a flood of other emotions running though me….

Then I was flashing back even father in time…the feeling of being trapped, overwhelmed me. My breathing quickened, my heart began to race…I was cold, and afraid…I was alone…Laying on the dashboard of my car….I could hear voices, and sounds of cars passing by, A light cold breeze blowing on my face. I could not move…I was cold and trapped, I was scared, but I was not in pain….I could feel cold snow flakes hitting my face, and a soft soothing voice….sorrow now pouring through me….I am not sure if I was talking or just thinking it….”I’m sorry…..I’m sorry…..I am so cold….” I was feeling as though I let my family down, I was leaving and I was not ready…I had not lived to my potential, I did not want my family to see me like this, broken, and bloody…cold and afraid….I was scared…..and I was trapped….

My mind would not let me go any further, I think I had experienced enough for the day…the session slowly ending, but the feeling inside me was still so strong….This feeling lasted well into the night….Sleep was scarce, but today I wake with a feeling of relief, a little bit of the trauma now gone…..

This was 3 hours of panic, three hours of fear, but the release was so worth every second…I know there is A LOT more to experience, but everything has to start somewhere and I am ready for the next steps….

2 thoughts on “Trapped….

  1. What you said in your mind was what you said to me when I walked into the trauma room. You looked at me and said “I’m sorry mom, I’m sorry”. At that point you just started saying to the nurse, “I’m cold sir, I’m so cold”. You just said it over and over and your teeth were chattering so hard, I thought they might break. You were starting to go into hypovolumic shock due to blood loss.

    It sounds like you are remembering some repressed traumatic memories. It is good that you are getting it out in the open where you can deal with it. I love you and support you always.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello again! Just came across your blog some minutes ago. And needless to say, your content is just so great and stirring – I am pretty sure it’s about time a lot of people will read your stuff and it will serve it’s purpose. Best of luck 🖒 Please carry on with all of this.

    Like

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