Each day I wake is a struggle to move without pain, I am tired, I am exhausted. I cannot remember the last time I felt no pain. Maybe 25 years ago? It was so long ago, I really have no idea what being pain free or even sore free is like.
As an Athlete I was always taught to fight through the pain, grind it out! So that is what I have done for the last 25 years, I can, I will, I must has been my mindset. That was until someone corrected me and said you cannot fight pain, you can’t stab it, or kill it. That really got thinking about the way I need to approach this problem. Stop fighting it! Well damn that is easier said then done, as I have always been a warrior and now fighting may not be the best way. So how then? I know I cannot continue as I am now, the pain is constant, always more than a 5 out 10 and many times goes up to 7 or 8.
There are nights like tonight that I just feel like crying, but I don’t, and I really do not know why? I do not think that it is not manly, or a sign of weakness, I believe that shedding tears helps to deal with the traumas we experience, yet here I am, down, tired, frustrated, feeling an whelming sadness inside, and no tears, just pain.
Pain that runs through me from my neck to my toes. A cold, stabbing, searing pain that pulses down my spine. A grabbing and stabbing pain through my right leg, pulling me to the ground. Then there is the constant ache that never goes away, gnawing on me like a rat gnawing on a chicken bone. My lower back and my right leg down to about the knee is in a constant state of ache.
So I lie in bed, writing, listening to music, pondering ways to overcome this battle, can’t fight it, right? Can I out think it? I know our brains are incredibly powerful, capable of things seemingly unimaginable. Meditation? Hmm. I have tried it, but the wall I keep running into is that wall of pain. I hit it hard and have trouble staying focused on anything other than the pain. I take deep slow breathes, count to six breath in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6….Breathe out 1,2,3,4,5,6. Feel ing the air flow through my body, then letting the negative leave my body. Then there is the jolting pain that pulls me back, takes me out of focus. I need to get better at mediating, but I also have to explore other possible solutions.
So Wednesday night I am seeing a therapist to help me deal with my pain, it is one avenue that I have not pursued much. We will be working with a new technique called brain spotting. It is a way for me to deal with the many traumas my body has gone through, with the culminating point being my accident, which I have really never addressed fully in therapy or really in any forum.
The more I learn about trauma and how it effects our bodies and minds, the more I see that I must deal with the accident, the surgeries, the pain, the loss of….well, a part of me. Stop fighting it, release it!
STOP FIGHTING PAIN….RELEASE THE TRAUMA….